Parodies and Chemistry

By David Kritchevsky

Chemistry


I have always been intrigued by words and word play. As a teaching assistant I discovered that knowledge conveyed by means of a popular tune was retained. At that time I tried to stress the major olifin reactions in the form of a parody. Since then I have outlined cholesterol synthesis and the TCA cycle in the same manner. The specifics can be filled in but the generalities are there.
Songs: Olifins; Cholesterol Biosynthesis Song; Krebs Cycle; Sulfur Chemistry

Olefins
Tune: Oh You Beautiful Doll!

Oh you butadiene
You great big butadiene
Baby let me saturate you
I would love to brominate you!
Oh you butadiene
You great big butadiene
If you ever polymerized
My heart would ache,
I’d like to ozonize ya
But I fear you’d break.
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh you butadiene!
 
Cholesterol Biosynthesis Song
Tune: Jingle Bells
John Harwood sings “Farnesol".

You take an acetate
condense it with a mate
pretty soon you have
acetoacetate.
Let them have a ball
you get geraniol
add another isoprene
and you get farnesol.
Chorus
Farnesol, farnesol
good old farnesol.
First it goes to squalene
then you get cholesterol! (repeat)
Squalene makes a roll
becomes lanosterol
the extra methyls do
come off as CO2.
Then comes zymosterol
and then desmosterol
If you don't take Triparanol
You get cholesterol!
Oh, Farnesol, farnesol, etc.

Krebs Cycle
Tune: Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Citrate, isocitrate
then comes alpha
ketoglutarate
come tiptoe through the cycle with me
Succinyl coenzyme A
breaks down to
give you succinate
the cycle generates energy
Fumarate
is next in line
it goes to malate on time
which then gives oxaloacetic
Which will pick up
two more carbons then
It's citrate, isocitrate again.

Sulfur Chemistry
Tune: Chiquita Banana

I am a sulfur compound
And I want to say
We all smell in a most peculiar way
When we are most reduced
And have the valence two
That’s when we are the worst and are the worst for you.
You will find us in mercaptans
You will find us in sulfo-ones
Almost any way you use us
It is impossible to lose us.
But sulfur compounds are a poison
To most every kind of known catalysator
So never put a sulfur compound
In your hydrogenator–No, no, no, no!

 

Epidemiology


Epidemiological data obtained by Keys and others have established the roles of diet, smoking, and obesity (among others) in the etiology of atherosclerosis.
Songs: Smoking’s a Risk Factor;  DeLipid; Italy; The French; Stress; Keys; When We’re 65; Lipids in Disease; Wiener Blut; Around the World

Smoking’s a Risk Factor
Tune: One of Those Songs

You know that smoking’s a risk factor
Drinking is too
Eating too much is just
No good for you
If you don’t have much
Vital capacity
It all will show up
In your next EKG
Now some trace metals may help you
Some others may not
Statistics will clean up
The data we’ve got
There are many risk factors
At least twenty-five
But the big risk
Is being alive.
De Lipid
Tune: It’s Delovely
Your breath comes slow
Your blood clots fast
If you have a feeling
You may not last
 It’s de-liver, it’s de-livin, it’s de-lipid
I understand
the reason why
You’re hyperlipemic
’Cause so am I
 It’s de-liver, it’s de-livin, it’s de-lipid
You can tell at a glance
That your arteries don’t have a chance
You can hear dear Mother Nature murmuring low
 “Watch that infarct blow!”

So Mister Adiposity
If you would live longer
Just hear this plea
Watch the drinking
And the smoking
And the blood pressure
And the exercise
And de-liver, and de-livin, and de-lipid!

Italy
Tune: Torno Sorrento
 
In Italia molta bella
Every forty-year old fella
Has less lipids that the quota
For business men in Minnesota
Life for them it don’t go fasta
Drinking vino, eating pasta
And they have no strains or stresses
Leaning on their olive presses.
Let me add in this connection
They don’t have much disinfection
So they don’t have coronaries
Just TB and dysentery.
Life for them ain’t beer and skittles
They work hard for their vittles
And rich foods, they can’t afford ’em
Consequendy they don’t hoard ’em.
While the theories roar free on
One thing that they all agree on
It takes living like a peon
Me? I’ll die with my TV on.
So farewell, farewell
Mia Italia Bella
You die of your disease
I’ll die of mine.

The French
Tune: River Seine

Oh, the French they take their leisure
And the French they take their time
And they eat their meals with pleasure
And they drink their glass of wine.
They don’t have neuroses or thromboses
Such as strike you and me
But they come down with cirrhosis
At the age of sixty-three.

Stress
Tune: Girls, Girls, Girls

Things go bad,
You get mad,
That is stress.
If you’re late
And irate
And you press;
Let the others on lipids digress,
We all know it’s stress, stress, stress.
Plans don’t come to fruition,
That’s stress.
You get no recognition,
More stress.
In the risk factor scheme,
Is one risk all supreme,
Meyer Friedman says,
“Yes, it’s stress!”

Key
Tune: Isle of Capri

‘Twas on a pile of debris that I found them
They lived on mangos, magnesium and mud
I thought I can build a study around them
I will ask for a sample of blood.
I’ll send the blood back to my laboratory
Where we will do every test on the list
And when I publish their blood lipid story
All my colleagues will see what they missed.
Summer was about to wind up
Teaching season drawing near
I thought if l can get them lined up
I can get a grant and come back next year.
They said, “We’ll gladly accede to your caper
And you may sample our blood if you please
But take a look at this ten-year-old paper
We’ve already been studied by Keys.”

When We’re 65
Tune: When You’re 64

Why do you feed us
Study and bleed us
When we’re 65?
We’ve all been around the block
A couple of times
Shown survival skills
In so many climes.
Public health reckons
Alzheimer’s beckons
If we stay alive.
So don’t try to scare us
Try to prepare us
For when we’re 65.

Lipids in Disease
Tune: Every Little Movement (has a meaning of its own)

Every little lipid
Has a syndrome of its own
Every little illness
Through some fraction may be shown.
If it’s cholesterol
You’ll have a coronary
All fats
Then you had best not marry
Phospholipids, brother do not tarry
Head for the nearest cemetery.
Blood tests are there to just remind
How easy it is for us to find
Some lipid
That has a deadly little syndrome
That’s all its own.

Wiener Blut
Tune: Wiener Blut

Wiener Blut, Wiener Blut
Is lipemic since we’re eating gut
We have plaques, two or three
Growing on every vascular tree.
We enjoy hunger’s call
With a layer of shlag over all
You’re obese—so am I
What a way to die.

Around the World
Tune: Around the World (in 80 days)

Around the world we search for clues
We study Hindus in Peru and Oriental Jews
We check each thing they eat and do
We check their blood
We check their breath
We check excreta, too.

It might have been cholesterol
Or cigarettes or even stress
That caused their final fall
When at this fact
We finally arrive
That no one leaves
This scene
Alive.


Atherosclerosis


To understand atherosclerosis we must understand the process. Description if the development if lesions has gone from simply being a case if lipid deposition to an extremely complex process possibly initiated by inflammation.
Songs: Atheroma; How Are Things in My Aorta?; Macrophage; The Plaque

Atheroma
Tune: Mona Lisa

Atheroma, Atheroma
Men have named you
Just a lump of yellow fat
That looks like gruel
Are you guilty of the things
For which we’ve blamed you
Or should we have studied
At some other school?
Do you hide an early lesion
Atheroma?
Or are you what hurts the heart
In point of fact?
Theories have been brought to your doorstep
Some we try there
Some just die there
Are you really the cause Atheroma?
Or just a lipid bearing, glaring artifact?
Atheroma, Atheroma
How Are Things in My Aorta?
Tune: How Are Things in Glocca Mora?
How are things in my aorta?
Does cholesterol still linger there?
Does it settle in the intima
And media
‘Spite diet and ‘spite prayer?

How are things in my aorta?
Is that little plaque still growing there?
Does the serum with its lipids high
Go rushing by
And does it go away with a lower tare
As some settles there
So I ask each dietician
And each biochemist too
And each medico I chance to meet,
“What’s new?”
How are things in my aorta—
Tell me, do.

MacRophage
Tune: Mack the Knife

Oh the artery has its niches
Where the lipid loves to lodge
What’s the source of all the lipid?
People say it’s MacRophage.
Rokitanski and old Duguid
Said the thrombus gets too large
“Sorry deary,” said Tim Leary,
“You just know it’s MacRophage.”
The Plaque
Tune: Birth of the Blues
From some fat in the blood
There settled out a little crud
And they called that
The start of the plaque.
From somewhere deep down inside
Came mucopolysaccharide
And they made that
A part of the plaque.
Then the artery it just got old
And it got thicker
And the oxygen couldn’t get through
And the patient got sicker.
Then they thrombosed it
Sclerosed it
And it would not grow back
And they called it
The fate of the plaque.


The inflammation may be initiated by infectious agents or viruses
Songs: Chlamydia I; Chlamydia II

Chlamydia
Tune: Lydia, the Tattooed Lady

Chlamydia, chlamydia
Do you know chlamydia?
Chlamydia the new risk factor.
It does bad things
To your plumbing
Leading to
The final numbing.
Chlamydia, Chlamydia
Infectious Chlamydia
Chlamydia the worst of them all.
The establishment thought
That it might not belong
But further research
Showed that they might be wrong.
An now it’s a part
of the risk factor throng
So be careful of Chlamydia!

Chlamydia II
Tune: Perfidia

To you—my heart cries out “Chlamydia”
Should I have worried more about you
And less of cholesterol?
Should I—have studied you Chlamydia
And taken less time
With nutritional fol-de-rol?
All those steaks and chops and lollipops
The docs forbade to you and me
While the culinary gods look down
And smile and say “What foods these morsels be:”
So clarify—for me Chlamydia
Are you the “early event”?
That leads to the last good bye?

Fat/Saturation


 

Elevated serum cholesterol remains a major risk factor despite each new finding or theory. Naturally, then, there has been a continuing emphasis on measurement of serum lipids. The principal villain (qfter cholesterol) was thought to be saturated fat but recent findings bring the whole diet into focus. Search for the “good fat” continues.
Songs: Saturation; Lipid Analysis Song; Measure Lipids; Lipids, Lipids, Lipids; Fats; Eating Lipid; Menhaden Song; Occlusions, Infarctions, and Strokes; CLA Song

Saturation
Tune: Fascination

It was saturation I know
Causing all the cardiac death in the Nation
Just a passing look
In my data book
And I might have left it with one publication
It was saturation I know
Lack of double bonds is another good name
I just ran an iodine value and knew that
Saturation led to fame.
Lipid Analysis Song
Tune: I Love Paris
We run lipids in the Springtime
We run lipids in the Fall
Phospholipids in the Summer, when it sizzles
Total sterol in the Winter, when it drizzles.
We run bloods of every species
Monkey, human, dog or rat
We run lipids
Why, oh why, do we run lipids
That’s where the money’s at!

Measure Lipids
Tune: Pretty Baby

If you have this health patient
Who may get away from you
Measure lipids, measure lipids
It’s the medical procedure
When there’s nothing else to do
Measure lipids, measure lipids.
When you tell him all about how his triglycerides look
He may never go away
Then you talk about cholesterol, and boy!
You’ve got ’im hooked!
Measure lipids today!
Lipids, Lipids, Lipids
Tune: Music, Music, Music
Bring another patient in
Give his serum one long spin
All we’re interested in
Is lipids, lipids, lipids.

Tell him just what danger hides
In those high triglycerides
Every diagnosis rides
On lipids, lipids, lipids.
Factors, we know risk factors
And although stress and smoking
Both may rate
Here’s one we can quantitate.
So bring another patient in
Give his serum one long spin
All we’re interested in
Is lipids, lipids, lipids.

Fats
Tune: Smiles

There are fats
That make you healthy
There are fats
That make you sick
There are fats
Whose chemistry is boring
There are fats
Whose chemistry is slick
There are fats
Of esoteric structure
That we solve
By mass spectroscopy.
But the fats
That I find most exciting
Are the ones
That mean grants for me.

Eating Lipid
Tune: Making Whoopee

You eat some eggs
You eat some ham
You take some butter
Then brother—wham!
You get those chest pains
Eternal rest pains
From eating lipid.
You see the doc,
He shakes his head,
“With blood like this
You’ll soon be dead
The fats are way up
They’re gonna stay up
If you eat lipids.”
He puts you on a diet
Five hundred calories
You think you’d like to try it
If there were enough to see.
You lose some weight
In fact you’re thin
You’re in great shape
For the shape you’re in.
Your new condition
Called malnutrition
Is not from lipids.

Menhaden Song
Tune: I’ll Take Manhattan

I’ll take Menhaden
Unsaturate laden fish oil too
You hear they’re awfully good
for you
You really need oil
Like cottonseed oil don’t you know
They make blood lipids go
Down low
And when it’s cold
These fats flow.
And who can scorn oil
That’s built like corn oil in the diet
The medicos all say—just try it
This field’s a great little research toy
For every fat-feeding boy.
Where every new fat
Becomes a research ploy.

Occlusions, Infarctions, and Strokes
Tune: Bibiddy, bobbidy, boo

Blintzes and bagels
Honey-filled “taigels”
From eggs we use only the yolks
Eat them a lot
And you know what you get?
Occlusions, infarctions and strokes.
Tzimmis and chickens
Good like the dickens
Great if you’re fattening folks.
Fatten ’em up
And you know what you get?
Occlusions, infarctions and strokes.
They look and they taste so good
I won’t deny you that
But the thing-a-mabob that does the job
Isn’t looks or the taste—it’s the fat.
Kashe and knishes
All Jewish dishes
Great if you’re making up jokes.
But eat them a lot
And you know what you get?
Occlusions, infarctions
Occlusions, infarctions
Occlusions, infarctions, and strokes

CLA Song
Tune: Who’s Sorry Now?

Who’s sorry now?
Who’s sorry now?
Who spent his whole life
Avoiding ground cow? “There’s too much fat”
Is what you’d say
Little you knew
It contained CLA.
And CLA
May lead the way
To a much healthier you
So do as I say
Try CLA See what this great stuff can do!

Treatment


Surgical treatment of atherosclerosis has included coronary bypass, partial ileal bypass, and other surgical feats.
Tunes: DeBakey; lleal Bypass

DeBakey
Tune: Battle Hymn of the Republic

I was feeling sort of shaky
So I went to see DeBakey
He put me on the table, and as soon as he was able
He began to rearrange my guts for me.
He replaced my old aorta
With a fancy Dacron blend,
He put Nylon in my spleen
And Orlon at the other end.
I’ve a kidney of Viyella
And I really do declare
I’m the only living fella
Whose insides are wash and wear.

Ileal Bypass
Tune: Give Me a Little Kiss

Let me give you a little cut
Will ya, huh?
Take out a little gut
Will ya, huh?
I’ll just by—
pass your ileum
Say bye bye to
Laxatives and psyllium
When I give you a little slice
Yessirree
Wait’ll you see how nice ‘twill be
I wouldn’t say a word
If I were asking for your soul
But all I wanna do
Is lower your cholesterol
So let me
Give you a little cut
Will ya, huh?
And you’ll become a case history!

The greatest emphasis, however, has been on pharmaceutical intervention. Early in the game, when premenopausal women were shown to be less prone to heart disease than men of the same age, it was thought that treating susceptible subjects with estrogen might be a viable treatment. It didn’t really work for a number of reasons, some of which are obvious. An early attempt at inhibition of cholesterol synthesis had disastrous consequences. The current generation of cholesterol synthesis inhibitors are sensational and some data suggest that their beneficial quotes may go well beyond their quotes on cholesterolgenesis. There is the problem of cost, however.
Songs: Generic Drugs; Estrogen; Triparanol; Mevacor

Generic Drug Song
Tune: Rags to Riches

I know I’ll go from rags to riches
This compound really cuts blood fats
It just has one small drawback which is
It’s toxic to the rats.
The boss is jumping with elation
There is no other of its kind
There’s just this one consideration
It makes the bald mice blind.
So just take the nitrogen out of the ring
Sprinkle some halogens into the thing
Put a diethylaminophenol on the wing
The stockholders are feeling gay too
For this will really, really pay
If we can only find some way to
Bypass the F.D.A.

Estrogen
Tune: Baby Face

Estrogen
The thing to feed today is estrogen.
Although they lower lipids now and then
Estrogen
Lipoprotein alters but your libido falters
Estrogen
It’s what we give to all type “A”, overt, men.
Take’s more than just a shove
To make them fall in love
When you give ‘em estrogen.

Triparanol
Tune: Harbor Lights

I took triparanol
I still had hair enough for parting
It was triparimol
That took my hair from me.
I took triparanol
My cataracts were only starting
I took triparanol
Now I can hardly see.
They find desmosterol
In clams that live in mud
Now it’s not just in clams
It’s also in my blood.
Now I know lonely nights
Because libido, too, has left me
It was Triparanol
That did it all for me.

Mevacor
Tune: Strip Polka

There’s a new lipid nostrum
All the docs recommend
Just one pill and your lipid troubles
All will end
They will end and they never will return anymore
And the name of the pill is Mevacor
Mevacor, Mevacor guaranteed it will work
Mevacor, Mevacor make more money for Merck
But the pills cost a fortune
The patients all moan
So take the pill
But first take out a loan.

Dietary fiber, which reached the general consciousness  through the efforts of Burkitt and Trowell, has not been established as a treatment of hyperlipidemia but the need for adequate levels of dietary fiber has been impressed on our consciousness.
Songs: Mary Ann; Transit Time; F.I.B.E.R; Fiber

Mary Ann
Tune: Mary Ann

All day, all night, Mary Ann
Every meal with lots of bran
Where, oh where, is Mary Ann?
All night, all day
On the can.

Transit Time
Tune: Twilight Time

Everyone’s eating fiber lately
It’s transit time
Hoping to lower lipids maybe
It’s transit time
And all those vegetables we used to throw away
We all are eating every day
Eating more peas and beans and cereal
It’s transit time
Often with consequence ethereal
It’s transit time
And though they seem to make us socially suspect
We think eating fiber is correct.

F.I.B.E.R.
Tune: Mother

F is for the increased weight of feces
I is for intestinal milieu
B is for the gut bacterial action
E is how the enzymes work for you
R is for some useful explanation of how these factors work for you and me.
Put them all together they spell “FIBER”
Which leads to better health as all can see.

Fiber
Tune: Swanee

Fiber
How we need you, how we feed you
Bulky old fiber.
Cut transit time with ease
And you can cure all
Heart diseases and diabetes
Fiber—binding cholanoic acids
Sticky old fiber
You’ll live to be a hundred and six
If you stay on your fiber kicks.

In the 1950s O.J. Pollak introduced the use of phytosterols for lowering cholesterol. After a few years of avid use of sitosterols interest waned and was reborn only after Miettinen and his co-workers re-introduced us to the cholesterol lowering effects of this class of compounds.
Song: β-Sitosterol

Beta Sitosterol
Tune: Santa Lucia

Beta sitosterol
Lowers cholesterol
There are no side effects
Just as you might expect
Dosed with tenacity
It›s a veracity
Beta will lower your
Absorptive capacity.
Take it before each meal
See just how good you›ll feel
As beta sitosterol
Lowers cholesterol.

The early Framingham data suggested that moderate drinkers were less likely to suffer coronaries than were teetotalers. Interestingly suggestions for wine with meals are always accompanied by dissertations on the evils if excess.  Our puritanical heritage? Moderate drinking and exercise both help to lower LDL and raise HDL. The best suggestion is to run from bar to bar.
Song: HDL Song


HDL Song
Tune: Little Brown Jug

My wife and I, we used to think
It was a sin to take a drink
Now we know each drink’s a cure
Says so in the “liter-ra-choor.”
Ha Ha Ha You and me
Can drink with impunity
and every time we take a shot
we know we’re curing what we got
She likes bourbon, I like rye
She likes scotch and so do I
And though we drink beyond our means
It helps our lipoproteins.
Ho Ho Ho Take a snort
As a medical resort
Just recall this old report
Two pints will make one cavort.
Wine and whiskey, beer and rum
Lengthen time to Kingdom Come
They give us a pleasant buzz
And now we hear they’re good for us.
So—take a fifth, knock it back
Help prevent a heart attack
And every time you hit the sauce
Charge it to the old Blue Cross.

The pharmaceutical industry has created ingenious ways of testing for cholesterol, sugar and so forth. They require very small samples and are often used together with an electronic device that provides accurate data on the spot. One fears that we may eventually become totally dependent on analysis by kits. Let’s hope not.
Song: Kits

Kits
Tune: Puttin’ on the Ritz

If you get sick
You have to go
To some clinic or HMO
Where some guy sits —handing out the kits.
Doctors there
Who used to heal
By medication, touch and feel
Or by their wits—now are using kits.
Every young aspiring clinician
Thinks that he’s a great diagnostician
Ain’t he wishin’!
If you’re ailing
I assure
That we can find a perfect cure
If your case fits—data from the kits!

General


Over the past Jew decades we have discovered that certain bile acids can dissolve gall stones. First it was chenodeoxycholic acid and then ursodeoxycholic was found to be even more effective.
Songs: The Gallstone Song; Urso

The Gallstone Song
Tune: Look for the Silver Lining

Cheno deoxycholic
Does more than any acid should do
Dissolving gallstones
The large and small stones
Takes care of all stones
That may be hurting you-it’s true, it’s true, it’s true.
A lifetime of eating cheno
Will be a lifetime
Loaded with smiles
‘Cause you know
Cheno deoxycholic
Will lead to nice clean
Non-lithogenic biles.

Urso
Tune: Margie

Urso
We love to feed you
Because you’re so
Superior in the act
Of washing all our gallstones away
And you fix the Lithogenic index
I said–Urso
You are my favorite acid
Of the bilious crew
And after all is said and done
Will the stones succumb to one?
Yes, Urso, Urso it’s you.

The role of dietary calcium in health is expanding.
Song: Calcium

Calcium
Tune: Ain’t We Got Fun

What helps osteoporosis?
It’s calcium!
Comes in many forms and doses.
It’s calcium!
Though it’s not fancy or even gourmet,
Be sure you make it, a part of each day.
Found in yogurt, milk, and cheeses.
It’s calcium!
Helps prevent some bad diseases.
It’s calcium!
It makes bones stronger.
May even help some folks live longer.
Did I mention hypertension?
Get calcium!

Caloric restriction inhibits experimental carcinogenesis in rats and may even work in humans.
Song: Calories and Cancer

Calories and Cancer
Tune: Politics and Poker

Calories and Cancer
Calories and Cancer
Eating less may be the
Simple answer.
Eat a lot of foods
But not too much of each
And much better health
May soon be within reach.

Scientific progress depends on obtaining financial support in the form of grants from the NIH. Often the funds are forthcoming but at lower levels than requested, but oh, what we could do with ample funds.
Songs: If I Had a Big Grant; Study Sections

If I Had a Big Grant
Tune: If I Were a Rich Man

If had a big grant
Ya dada dada etc.
All day long I’d
bidi bidi bom
If I had a great big grant.
I’ d never have a worry
Over overhead or chemicals or salaries or such,
All day long I’d just work in the lab
And I think I’d like that very much.
I’d have a dozen Spincos out in the hallway
Six model  Ls, and model Es.
Two NMRs in a comer would be stacked
And I’d have one big mass spec down in the basement
And another in my lab
And a third I hadn’t yet unpacked.
If l had a big grant
Ya dada dada etc
Lord above—compassionate and kind
Though to getting pennies I’m resigned
Would it blow some study section’s mind
If l had a great big grant!

Study Sections
Tune: Sunrise, Sunset

Is this the little grant I asked for?
Is this the smaller one I got?
I didn’t think that they could find a place to cut.
Why did they take away my post doc?
Why did they take technician 3?
Soon there’ll be no one in the lab but me.
Study sections, study section
Sit and cogitate.
Mountains shrink overnight to mole hills
While the investigators wait.
Study sections, seek perfection
In each grant they read.
How can we do a perfect study?
If we don’t get the funds we need?


And who are we?
Songs: National Academy Song; Colleagues

National Academy Song
Tune: Cover of the Rolling Stone

We are the full professors
Faculty aggressors
And our knowledge is really a pearl
We publish lots of papers
And we cut our capers
At meetings all over the world.
We’ve got some real fine students
Whom we chose with prudence
So you’d think we should live happily
But we’re all dejected
‘Cause we’ve never been elected
To the National Academy.
We’re on some great committees
Meet in real fine cities
And consulting’s part of the game.
And all those study sections
Merely are reflections Of our current status and fame.
Consid’ring all the honors
Being heaped upon us
You think we should live merrily
But we’re all dejected
‘Cause we’ve never been elected
To the National Academy.

Colleagues
Tune: Playmate

Hey colleague
Work on my theory
And you can share with me
Responsibility.
Use all my data
And my statistics too
And we’ll collaborate
Just me and you!
I’m sorry colleague I cannot work with you
Your theory is not new
And mine’s much better too.
Don’t need your data
Or your regression curve I’ve got four cases-and
A lot of nerve!
And who am I?

I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore
Tune: I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore

No worries or hassles or concern
For students who just refuse to learn
I’m glad I’m not young anymore.
No fights with administrative deans
Whose talent is simply counting beans
I’m glad I’m not young anymore.
No study sections
No “write that grant again” strife
My imperfections
Are only known to my friends
And that’s where it ends.
No colleagues who get up in my face
Or fights over stupid parking space
I’m being academic to the core.
Oh I’m so glad, that I’m not young anymore.